me.

I awoke suddenly yesterday as I distinctly felt a pit drop in my stomach. I was confused as to what it could be from, but I have come to a conclusion as I have analyzed my discomfort. Since yesterday I have been struggling with the fact that China has soooooo much to offer ME. Every day is a new experience handed to me to bless me, to help me grow and change, to show me love. And yet, everyday, I come up empty handed with nothing to give back. Before I came to China, I had imagined it as a sort of humanitarian project where I could bless children and this rapidly changing country, but as I have been living here for the last few months, I have seen how extremely wrong I was.  Oh silly me! I was SO wrong! China has changed ME, China has blessed ME, China has taught ME and loved Me and inspired ME. I feel like China has offered ME everything, and I have offered it nothing. As always, words will always fall short of what I am truly feeling, but I hope you can catch a glimpse of the sadness that I am experiencing from this thought. I look into my student's smiling eyes everyday, feasting on the endless amount of love that they so happily and easily give me. I see their childish bodies wiggle with excitement, or watch as their tiny hands make their way up to their lips in order to blow me a kiss, or feel as my entire body gets wrapped up in a mass of Asian children hugging me, and I can barely hold back tears as I realize how much I have learned to love. Why am I the teacher here? These kids are the true teachers as they teach me amazing lessons of how easy it is to love so genuinely, so organically. Somehow these kids have unlocked a chamber of my heart that I never even knew was there. I hope all of you realize the position I am in. I am sitting anxiously on the edge of my chair, trying to grab the passion that is so filling inside of my body, but struggle to do so as it is too large to pull out. The passionate love that I have for these perfect souls is unexplainable. I really just can't do it, I can't tell you. I'm sorry, I have tried, but I really just can't do it. I can't tell you. 

I hurt as I analyze the love that these kids have planted and nourished inside of me, nourished so well that the roots have buried themselves into the deepest parts of me that there is no way to ever dig them out. I hurt as I see how much they have done for me, and realize that I have come up so short in offering them equal amounts of what they have given me. I love them so much, and yet, I feel incapable of giving them the love that they deserve. It makes me hurt. I feel like I am just here in China teaching kids pointless phrases such as "how are you" and "thank you" of which they already know. I feel like I am here to just give them 45 minutes of free time from their strenuous school day. 

What am I even doing here? Why did I move to China for half a year if I have nothing to give? What was I thinking?

I really had no idea what I was getting myself into when I came here. My perception was so wrong. China has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I have experience true fear and had my eyes opened in ways I never imagined or ever thought that I wanted. I have had so many experiences where I had to put my pride aside and just learn to move on. Along with extreme hardships however, come enormous rewards. I can testify of this everyday as I walk through the hallways and feel the energy from these children. These children make everything worth it- the sacrifices of leaving everything familiar at home, the hardships of coming here by yourself without a friend to fall back upon, the fear that presents itself in a foreign land. These kids are WORTH IT. I just hope with everything that I have that I can return the love that they so freely give me everyday. I don't want China to be so full of ME ME ME. My goal for these last 2 months is to make it about the love between US, the love that I can give THEM, and the love that I can show them from GOD.